Am I Having a Midlife Crisis in My Mid-30s? Part 1

I’m grateful to be an occupational therapy frontliner during this pandemic. While I don’t handle COVID-19 patients, I conduct face-to-face sessions at a couple of hospitals along with providing teletherapy services. I never imagined that I would have such extraordinary experiences. I’m also thankful for the trust that our patients and their families give us healthcare workers (HCWs). That alone makes all the risks of on-site therapy sessions worth it. It’s also fulfilling to see patients improve despite all the hardships that they had to go through.

So why do I feel like I’m having an early midlife crisis?

Comparing Myself

A midlife crisis usually refers to a series of cathartic moments in which middle-aged adults make drastic changes to seek out fulfillment because death has become more imminent. For some, the changes can involve something mild like traveling more often. Then there are those who commit extremely damaging acts such as having extramarital affairs.

A midlife crisis results from deep feelings of unfulfillment. Although it typically starts at 40 years old, a person can start experiencing it as early as 35.

I’m not sure if I’m having an early midlife crisis in my mid-30s. After all, I enjoy being a clinician. I only talk about diversifying in this blog because upskilling and reskilling will become more important for one’s survival. I also don’t mind my “no boyfriend since birth” status.

Despite all that, I have this generalized feeling of disappointment. I’ve been asking myself more often, “If I made the right decisions, how come OnlyFans sex workers are more comfortable than me?” Modesty aside, I’ve done everything that the older generations said I should do to have a better life:

Went to a reputable university? Check!

Majored in an in-demand STEM degree? Check.

Stayed away from drugs? Check.

Did not get pregnant out-of-wedlock? Check!

Saved my money and stayed out of debt? Check.

Contributed to society? Check!

Upskilled and reskilled? Check!

So why are narcissistic, virtue-signaling influencers living far better lives than mine? Yes, there are also good influencers out there. I know that! Still, many influencers don't have major societal contributions. They can't even pass NatSci 1! Yet, they travel all the time. They have all sorts of new stuff. And they have boyfriends, for crying out loud!

Why I Didn’t Migrate

Grandma with little me

A huge chunk of my brain tells me that my life would’ve been better had I grabbed the chances to work abroad. Even if I left Canada, I got three offers to work in Australia as an occupational therapist. Maybe I could’ve also studied there and met my future husband.

Yet I turned those opportunities down. I don’t regret doing so because I need to stay here in the Philippines to take care of my grandparents. My grandmother died five years after I returned from Canada. I’m thankful that I spent those final years with her.

In the years leading up to the COVID-19 crisis, I spent the bulk of my time working, studying, and looking after my grandfather who had become more sickly. There were times when I would handle patients all day, then sleep at 2AM in the hospital because my grandfather got admitted. Then I’ll see patients again the following day. When he wasn’t hospitalized, we would go back and forth to the emergency room because he had a high fever, had pneumonia, or he had accidentally pulled his catheter out. After all that, I would get sick. Even if my aunt is grandpa’s primary caregiver, I can’t leave all the caretaking to her as she’s a senior adult herself.

With Grandpa at the 2008 PRC Oath-Taking for OTs

So instead of dating or going on out-of-town trips in my free time, I caught up with work and with my studies, and rested as much as I could.

Dengue vs SARS-CoV-2

Someone once asked me, “Do you wish to be relieved of your responsibilities?” I said, “No”. I just wish to have a more supportive environment in which I can fulfill those responsibilities.

For example, how about I get some running water after I come home from a COVID referral hospital? In 2020, at the height of the pandemic, the city where I live had water interruptions for more than 12 hours everyday for more than 6 months. So I would go home dreading if there was enough water supply for me to take a bath to wash off whatever virus had landed on me. Or if there was enough water stored in the buckets and basins, I'd wonder if they were infested with mosquitoes. Should I have to choose between COVID and Dengue?

You’d think we’d have found a way to supply Metro Manila with more water after those traumatic shortages. After all, they've been a huge problem decades before the pandemic. With our long rainy season and all the bodies of water that we have, you’d think Filipinos will be brimming with solutions by now. Alas, no. We’re bound to have water interruptions again this year. And we’re just supposed to suck it up.

Maybe I'm not experiencing a midlife crisis. Perhaps it’s just anxiety and resentment over my third world situation. And I’m sure other Filipino HCWs have far worse horror stories. Won’t you then feel upset that OnlyFans harlots are living more carefree luxurious lifestyles? And who knows, that resentment might become a full-blown midlife crisis later.

(Photo by Anthony Tran)