When we were younger, we swore that we wouldn't repeat the unhealthy relationship patterns that we witnessed among adults. We told ourselves that we’ll find better partners. We promised to never mix with the wrong crowd. Unfortunately, we’re predisposed to replicate what’s familiar to us. So you’ll tend to get involved with toxic people in adulthood if you suffered in the hands of narcissists as a child.
I’ve attracted a lot of narcissists myself. It’s not that I couldn’t see the red flags. In fact, I pick up warning signs quite easily. I tend to dismiss them though, because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Although I rarely tell anyone about my encounters with abusers, I struggled to move on from them for the most part of my life. I often wasted too much time getting distressed over them for not choosing me as a friend or as a romantic partner. That is, until COVID-19 happened.
Beyond the Comfort Zone
I wish we never had to go through a pandemic. Nevertheless, my experiences as a frontliner taught me that it’s important for narcissistic abuse victims to advance noble causes that take them out of their comfort zones.
Standing up for what’s right and serving the needy even when it’s unpopular gives you opportunities to be different until you’re comfortable with it. Embracing one’s uniqueness is essential to breaking victims’ patterns of suppressing their real identities in the hopes of appeasing their abusers.
In my case, becoming a frontliner gave me that opportunity. I decided to see patients at two hospitals when most people were afraid to leave the house. I had to do it because first, many patients need on-site services. Second, two of the facilities where I work offered face-to-face sessions long before allowing us to do online therapy. Third, I must help my family financially. Fourth, we should learn to live with SARS-CoV-2 instead of increasing the risk of non-communicable diseases and economic collapse due to huge lockdowns.
Self-Care That is Unselfish
Growing up in toxic environments probably taught victims to take on far more responsibilities than what they could handle. They then ended up neglecting themselves. Getting out of their comfort zones to serve others in healthy ways might just be what they need to learn self-care.
Dealing with challenges that come with your vocation will compel you to use your limited time and stamina for taking care of yourself instead of sacrificing them for narcissists. I, for one, now sleep as much as I can since I resumed my on-site sessions. I’d rather sleep than check what the narcissists are doing so I can gather strength to fulfill my duties. Plus wearing full PPE the whole day is exhausting! Better sleep habits also help me stay healthy even if I'm a frontliner in a hospital with COVID-19 patients. And when I’m awake, I opt to do fun things to keep my mind off negativity.
Did I still check the narcissists’ social media during this pandemic? I did, a few times. Did it hurt like hell when I saw them befriending or dating other people? Oh yes. Far more than what I expected!
But do I still waste my time stalking them or mooning over them? Not anymore! That’s because my strength has been channeled to something far better. In the process, I’ve come to realize that perhaps abusers were sent my way to prevent me from doing the good that I’ve been accomplishing in this time of need. These narcissists will only defeat me if I chase them at the expense of my well-being and the welfare of those who are counting on me. Handing them that victory will only reinforce their delusion that the world revolves around them.
I admit that I inferred the above-mentioned principles for dealing with narcissists from my theology and from occupation-based theoretical frameworks. I still don’t have the clinical studies to back them up. I can attest though that they’re very effective for me. That’s why I’m happier now compared to how I was prior to COVID-19.
“If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” (Matthew 16:24-25)
(Photo by Alice Alinari)
While it is true that in everyone there is a little narcissist trying to wield control and overtake one' soul. It is only by the grace of GOD that this little tyrant is stymied. But there are pathological narcissists as well who constantly feeds the ' false image' they are projecting to the outside world at the expense of their unknowing sources of supply. Unfortunately, these people who fall prey to these abusers are family or close friends or co workers ( who have no way out ). Thank you Annie for this very insightful write-up. I like this part best... " Embracing one’s uniqueness is essential to breaking victims’ patterns of suppressing their real identities in the hopes o…