Families. They’re the reason why people succeed, the wellspring of virtues that keep young people on the straight path. They serve as the bulwark against tyranny because people opt to give their resources to relatives instead of surrendering them to politicians. Healthy families nurture, protect, and encourage a person to be the best that he can be.
That’s why it’s so alienating when your family does the opposite. It’s difficult to spot an abusive family. It’s not always characterized by domestic violence, marital separation, or financial deprivation. Your family is toxic when you exist as a pawn that serves their happiness, not as a person with different needs. Your family clips your wings when they make you dependent on them. It might seem generous of them at first when they share their resources with you. But unbeknownst to you, they’re subjecting you to a covert contract in which you’ll never be allowed to have beliefs that contradict theirs or ambitions that make them feel insecure. They will groom you for abuse by lavishing you with compliments, money, and privileges. Once they’ve trapped you into dependency, their wants will always come before your needs. You’ll be silenced from voicing out opinions that they find offensive. They’ll drain you of your energy and resources to prop up their religious fundamentalism. You’ll be forced into taking on their obligations at the expense of your well-being. You must always give up your dreams for them. You’re selfish for having aspirations, but the more favored relatives can be whatever they want to be. After all, you shouldn’t turn your career into an “idol”, right? Some god will supposedly provide as long as you remain subservient to your family. And no matter how valid your concerns are, you will always be wrong while other people will always be right.
It’s not that your abusive family doesn’t love you. The chances are that there’s a part of them that cares about your well-being. They just love someone or something else more than you.
Because of your unresolved issues, you’re programmed to seek out relationships that replicate your toxic family dynamics. No matter how many prayer meetings you attend or how many relationship books you read, you’ll find yourself drawn to friends and romantic partners who treat you as a tool, not as a person to be loved. They’ll step on you to elevate themselves the way your abusive relatives did. Then you’ll wonder why you always attract dysfunctional people. The truth is that your abusive family induced in you a subconscious trauma that keeps on resurfacing. It can be resolved only by admitting the harm that was done to you and forgiving your family as you set new boundaries. The latter can mean moving out of your parents’ house. Perhaps it entails that you stop helping your family on their terms. And in worst-case scenarios, you might have to cut off contact with them until you heal completely.
You will experience resistance for sure. You’ll be told that you’re ungrateful. They’ll gaslight you into thinking that you should stand by them no matter what because they only have a few years to live or because being with them is better than being alone. But aren’t you getting old too? Are you not wasting the remaining years of your life by always taking care of their feelings? Isn’t it better to be alone rather than repeat the cycle of abuse? When they guilt-trip you, remind yourself that they can never place a price tag on all the time and opportunities that you lost because you were drowning in their toxicity. Besides, you’ll be in a better position to help them once you find yourself.
Is there something “off” with your family? Watch the clips below to discover the possible reasons for their behaviors. If your relatives are toxic, enforce new boundaries with them. That will help you start the journey towards forgiveness. But if your family is a healthy one despite its problems, thank them for being a great blessing.
Jordan Peterson clips by Bite-sized Philosophy:
How to Cope with a Toxic Family
Mother, Daughter, Father, Son by Michael Pierce, writer, vlogger, and philosophy major
When Is It Right to Walk Away from Your Family - a Jordan Peterson clip by Life and Liberty
How to Do a Cut-Off from the Narcissistic Family System by Patrick Teahan, LICSW, trauma specialist
(Photo from Canva)
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